By Dirty Dan
Have you ever come across something that makes you sick? Something that you just look at and wonder, wouldn’t we all be much better off without this? Like, if you woke up tomorrow and it just simply no longer existed, the world would be a much smarter, safer, or simply pleasant place to live? Here are my Top Ten:
10. Hillary Clinton
After the last eight years, it was almost impossible for the Democrats to not win the 2008 Presidential Election. Standing on a platform of ‘Change’, you had a young, African-American Senator who spoke of revising the current, old school political system, and an ‘old school’ political figure who was best known for standing beside her wandering man. Somehow, Clinton tried to preach of change, and, even more confusing, she almost convinced the Democrats that she was sincere (as she has done so many times in the past). If there was one sign that the apocalypse is not happening, it is that she did not win the Democratic Nomination. Who knows what would have happened if she won. It’s bad enough that she somehow made a side deal (if I concede, you have to put me on your cabinet, or else I will destroy the Democratic Party) and ended up as Secretary of State.
9. FOX News Channel (and all the rest for that matter)
A sign OF the Apocalypse… this ‘Fair and Balanced’ News Network has managed to influence the likes of Evangelicals, Senior Citizens, and what I believe to be mentally challenged citizens by bombarding them with fear and destruction. The other cable news channels are not far behind. What happened to real news, with no agenda?
8. The New York MTA System
How does one of the biggest and most often used Subway Systems justify a 29% fare hike to cover a $1.2 Billion shortfall? Better yet, how the hell does the New York City Subway system have a $1.2 Billion shortfall? If you’ve ever ridden on this system, you can see that the money certainly doesn’t go to clean, efficient and reliable service. Not that I’m an expert in the MTA and how they run their company, but it appears to me that they are one of the most corrupt organizations east of the Hudson River. I’m not suggesting that there be no Subway System in New York City. Simply that someone else should take it over. Someone who knows how to run a transit system, perhaps.
7. Crappy, Cookie-Cut Mass Media
Mindless Americans, I appeal to you. As long as you watch Law & Order: Lawn Furniture Theft, or CSI:Omaha, they will continue to make more! Same goes for reality television! Do we really need shows like Fox’s recent, Hole in the Wall? Really? A show about people jumping through walls?
6. Gourmet Mexican Food
Okay, this one will undoubtedly offend any yuppies who may happen across it. Read this very closely… THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO NEED FOR GOURMET MEXICAN FOOD. In my opinion, it is an oxymoron. You can not have Mexican food that is gourmet. The two do not mesh well. Have you ever been to Mexico? Even the nicest parts are not that glamourous. I mean, sure there may be a couple of high end Mexican food places in Mexico, but that is not where people- well, anyone who has their head out of their ass- should expect to find good mexican food. I want the sloppiest, dirtiest, hole-in-the-wall (note: proper usage of the term) Mexican restaurants. The kind that you need to make a wrong turn to find. I one time found such a place in Downtown Las Vegas. It was about three blocks down Fremont Street. I think there were actually tumbleweeds outside, rolling over drunk and disoriented bums. The bathroom was down a long hallway that looked like a rape scene in a very realistic movie. The food was fantastic.
5. Hollywood Skanks
I know everyone has expressed this sentiment. I will just add that I made it number 5 because I still believe that they all need to go away, even though they seem to have started to. Keep going! (Definition of Hollywood Skank: If you are more famous for showing your taint than you are for any film, tv show, album, etc. you have made in the past year, you are a skank.)
4. Jay Leno
Really? Jay Leno, 5 nights a week? You have already violated our pupils with all of your 85% Reality TV/Law & Order schedule (See #7). I understand you are trying to appeal to the goats of our society who like to sit on the couch and eat their grass, but I assure you, there are plenty of people who actually like new and unusual tv shows. Unfortunately, you just haven’t found many that stick. Doesn’t mean you should give up and commit all of your prime-time schedule to bullshit! It would be better, even if you remade The Cosby Show!
A Very Concerned (Former) Fan
It’s been written enough about MTV that they no longer have music videos. Fine, viewers don’t take to music videos anymore. It’s hard to run programming that involves music and appeals to a mass audience. I understand. But that is no reason to sell your soul and further desecrate the country by airing skull-raping programs such as The Hills, all of The Hills Spin-offs, and My Super Sweet 16. I hold a large amount of responsibility over you for giving tomorrow’s leaders the sense of entitlement that they have amassed.
2. Organized Religion
Whether you’re into Christianity, Judaism, Scientology or Oprah Winfrey, this country could do without you. How can we possibly encourage original thought and free speech when you have these large groups of people who say and do whatever they are told, and fear anyone who doesn’t?
Whether God exists and wants you to obey his commands, or we were created by aliens as a science experiment, who says you are wrong to believe whatever it is you believe? My problem is when you try to convince me to drink your Kool-Aid. I prefer a pint of Anchor Steam, and that doesn’t make me any less human than you. Instead of wasting your breath trying to convert people to your world, you should focus on obeying your own principles. That means no more touching choirboys and stealing money from the collection plate, among other things.
1. New England
Whether I’m talking about your driving habits, or you undying love for annoying other sports fans who don’t like your teams. Or even that awful, Awful accent. ’Nuff said.