by Dirty Dan
Today is apparently Groundhog Day. That means a bunch of people visit some small town in the Boonies of Pennsylvania, sip hot cocoa and anxiously await the arrival of a little, fat groundhog who has the magical power of predicting the weather. Every year, he comes out of his little tree stump and whispers some sort of sweet nothing into the mayor’s ear. The mayor of this small town then turns and says something like “sorry folks, six more weeks of winter.’
I’m not sure exactly how accurate this little fat fucker is, but I decided this morning that he is, in fact, an asshole. Punxsutawney Phil, the groundhog, could easily make everyone in America have a moment of happiness- in these rather treacherous times- by claiming to have not seen his shadow, thus meaning that there would be a short winter. Instead, he says “No, no. Definitely a shadow there. Six more weeks of winter.” God forbid he tell a little fib. Even if winter lasts another 6 weeks, who ever remembers the groundhog’s prediction tomorrow? He could have restored faith in the American people that we are not all getting shat on by a higher being for our immoral values and such.