Tag Archives: Apocalypse

California is Dirty, and I LOVE It!

By Dirty Dan

arnold_pot

I came across this article this morning.  Apparently in this current time of the Apocalypse, desperate times call for ‘desperate‘ measures.  Over the past decade and beyond, the State of California has drowned itself in debt due to an over abundance of ‘social programs’ that enable those less fortunate to reap the benefits of those who aren’t.  Long story short, you think the US economy is in the shitter?  The California State economy has slimed it’s way down the shitter, and is sitting in a pile of rot and used feminine products in the septic tank.  So, naturally, all of the politicians are scrambling for ideas on how to save face.  One such idea was recently concocted (or should I say, re-presented as original) by Democratic State Assembly member Tom Ammiano.  He wants to legalize marijuana and give the state additional tax revenue on the $14+ billion industry that is this cash crop.

Now, not only does this sound Utopian because I’m a born-again stoner, but it also makes perfect sense.  I mean, you see all the arguments for and against pot, but one thing remains true…  all of the other legal drugs (alcohol, tobacco and, yes, even caffeine) have been linked to death.  Alcohol especially, leads to deaths of others through drunk driving/wife beating/etc. But you never hear about stoners crashing into walls or baby carriages on the street, and you certainly don’t read about the stoner who went on a shooting rampage.  Stoners are chill.  It’s part of the culture!  So, why wouldn’t the government want to open the door for all of that extra revenue?  I mean, generally speaking, it seems that law enforcement officials have better things to do these days than stroll through a park and rough up a few hippies for that dime bag in their pocket. 

Legalization of marijuana would benefit EVERYONE.  And I challenge you to prove me wrong.  The government would make money.  The stoner would pay less because it’d no longer be illegal.  The dealer would either be forced to move on to harder, more profitable drugs, or get a job at a video store (or do countless other things).  And nobody gets hurt.  Period.  The fact remains that people who want to smoke pot, will smoke pot.  Legal or not, they still have avenues to find it, buy it and smoke (or bake) it.  AND, it would subject the American people to less useless news stories about celebrity pot scandals.  Maybe then we could collectively focus on bigger, more personally relevant issues that should be the focus of our attention!!! (last dirty white blog plug, I promise)

All in all, what’s the big deal people???  All the right players are in place in CA (see picture above), so let’s get down to business!  After all, what better way to introduce a little joy into this sullen world?  To quote Jay from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, “Yo! You guys need to turn those frowns upside down. And I got just the thing for that.”

How Do You Make the Snuggie Look Like a Good Product?

By Dirty Dan

goateesaver

The other night, I thought I was hallucinating from those dirty brownies.  In fact, I wasn’t, someone actually created a commercial for this product.  A GoateeSaver?  Really?  You need a face cup to put over your goatee when you’re shaving?  Are you that stupid?  How hard is it to shave?!?!?  This is yet another example of why our great nation is dying before our eyes.  People are way too fat, lazy and stupid to realize that they don’t need a product that covers their goatee while they are shaving.  For $20 and probably another $10 in shipping and handling, this glorified piece of plastic can be yours, and you’ll never have a crooked goatee again.  File this under ‘another sign of the impending apocalypse.

Sinners Repent, the End is Near…

By Dirty Dan

man_of_god

Have you ever been walking down a city street, minding your own business, and some asshole starts preaching to you about the end of the world?  Dirty Dick sent me a link to the picture above and it reminded me of one such occurrence that happened the saturday before 9-11-01.  My brother came to visit with his girlfriend at the time, and she was ‘not from around here’, so naturally, we did what everyone has to do when someone from out of town comes to visit New York City.  We took her on a tour of all of the city’s greatest tourist traps.  Times Square, Rockefeller Center, ferry ride, etc.

While we were rounding a corner near Rockefeller Center, we came across some loud mouth religious-type who was spouting off something or other about the Apocalypse.  I have seen many of these people in my time.  While I could give two shits what anyone believes in a religious sense, I can’t stand when they try to force their beliefs on anyone and everyone within earshot.  Not only is it noise pollution, but it’s almost as annoying as those other idiots who go door to door trying to hand out the way of the Lord.  If I want to read about the good Lord, that’s what libraries and Church is for.  (NOTE TO RELIGIOUS NUTS:  You can’t convert someone who has no interest in converting, so you’re just wasting your time, and that of everyone else.)

Anyway, as we approached this kook, I was annoyed listening to his verbal diarrhea.  I yelled out something to the effect of “Hey asshole!  I hear all of you dipshits yelling about the end of the world.  When is it going to happen already?!?!?!”  He stopped talking for a moment and chillingly stared at me.  Finally, he started yelling directly at me, saying “WHEN THE END COMES, GOD WILL NOT SAVE YOU” or some mumbo-jumbo.  I thought nothing of that day, until about 3 days later when two planes crashed into the World Trade Center.  Then, it occured to me:  Wow!  How coincidental that was!

Trust me.  If God exists, the last thing he cares about is some asshole on a soapbox trying to convince you that he knows what he is talking about.  And, if that is exactly what God cares about, I have no interest in spending eternity in the afterlife if I have to hang out with more assholes than I hang out with here in this life.

Top Ten Things This Country Could Do Without…

By Dirty Dan

Have you ever come across something that makes you sick?  Something that you just look at and wonder, wouldn’t we all be much better off without this?  Like, if you woke up tomorrow and it just simply no longer existed, the world would be a much smarter, safer, or simply pleasant place to live?  Here are my Top Ten:

10.  Hillary Clinton

hillary_clintonAfter the last eight years, it was almost impossible for the Democrats to not win the 2008 Presidential Election.  Standing on a platform of ‘Change’, you had a young, African-American Senator who spoke of revising the current, old school political system, and an ‘old school’ political figure who was best known for standing beside her wandering man.  Somehow, Clinton tried to preach of change, and, even more confusing, she almost convinced the Democrats that she was sincere (as she has done so many times in the past).  If there was one sign that the apocalypse is not happening, it is that she did not win the Democratic Nomination.  Who knows what would have happened if she won.  It’s bad enough that she somehow made a side deal (if I concede, you have to put me on your cabinet, or else I will destroy the Democratic Party) and ended up as Secretary of State.

 

 

9.  FOX News Channel (and all the rest for that matter)

coulterhill_jezebelflvA sign OF the Apocalypse…  this ‘Fair and Balanced’ News Network has managed to influence the likes of Evangelicals, Senior Citizens, and what I believe to be mentally challenged citizens by bombarding them with fear and destruction.  The other cable news channels are not far behind.  What happened to real news, with no agenda? 

 

 

8.  The New York MTA System

mta-sucks

How does one of the biggest and most often used Subway Systems justify a 29% fare hike to cover a $1.2 Billion shortfall?  Better yet, how the hell does the New York City Subway system have a $1.2 Billion shortfall?  If you’ve ever ridden on this system, you can see that the money certainly doesn’t go to clean, efficient and reliable service.  Not that I’m an expert in the MTA and how they run their company, but it appears to me that they are one of the most corrupt organizations east of the Hudson River.  I’m not suggesting that there be no Subway System in New York City.  Simply that someone else should take it over.  Someone who knows how to run a transit system, perhaps.

 

 

7.  Crappy, Cookie-Cut Mass Mediahole-in-the-wall-fox-red-team

Mindless Americans, I appeal to you.  As long as you watch Law & Order: Lawn Furniture Theft, or CSI:Omaha, they will continue to make more!  Same goes for reality television!  Do we really need shows like Fox’s recent, Hole in the Wall?  Really?  A show about people jumping through walls?

 

6.  Gourmet Mexican Food

Okay, this one will undoubtedly offend any yuppies who may happen across it.  Read this very closely…  THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO NEED FOR GOURMET MEXICAN FOOD.  In my opinion, it is an oxymoron.  You can not have Mexican food that is gourmet.  The two do not mesh well.  Have you ever been to Mexico?  Even the nicest parts are not that glamourous.  I mean, sure there may be a couple of high end Mexican food places in Mexico, but that is not where people- well, anyone who has their head out of their ass- should expect to find good mexican food.  I want the sloppiest, dirtiest, hole-in-the-wall (note: proper usage of the term) Mexican restaurants.  The kind that you need to make a wrong turn to find.  I one time found such a place in Downtown Las Vegas.  It was about three blocks down Fremont Street.  I think there were actually tumbleweeds outside, rolling over drunk and disoriented bums.  The bathroom was down a long hallway that looked like a rape scene in a very realistic movie.  The food was fantastic.

 

5.  Hollywood Skanks

I know everyone has expressed this sentiment.  I will just add that I made it number 5 because I still believe that they all need to go away, even though they seem to have started to.  Keep going!  (Definition of Hollywood Skank:  If you are more famous for showing your taint than you are for any film, tv show, album, etc. you have made in the past year, you are a skank.)

 

4.  Jay Leno
caricature-jay-leno

Dear NBC,

Really?  Jay Leno, 5 nights a week?  You have already violated our pupils with all of your 85% Reality TV/Law & Order schedule (See #7).  I understand you are trying to appeal to the goats of our society who like to sit on the couch and eat their grass, but I assure you, there are plenty of people who actually like new and unusual tv shows.  Unfortunately, you just haven’t found many that stick.  Doesn’t mean you should give up and commit all of your prime-time schedule to bullshit!  It would be better, even if you remade The Cosby Show!

Sincerely, 

A Very Concerned (Former) Fan

 

3.  MTV

It’s been written enough about MTV that they no longer have music videos.  Fine, viewers don’t take to music videos anymore.  It’s hard to run programming that involves music and appeals to a mass audience.  I understand.  But that is no reason to sell your soul and further desecrate the country by airing skull-raping programs such as The Hills, all of The Hills Spin-offs, and My Super Sweet 16.  I hold a large amount of responsibility over you for giving tomorrow’s leaders the sense of entitlement that they have amassed.  

 

2.  Organized Religion
buddy-jesus

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Whether you’re into Christianity, Judaism, Scientology or Oprah Winfrey, this country could do without you.  How can we possibly encourage original thought and free speech when you have these large groups of people who say and do whatever they are told, and fear anyone who doesn’t?  

Whether God exists and wants you to obey his commands, or we were created by aliens as a science experiment, who says you are wrong to believe whatever it is you believe?  My problem is when you try to convince me to drink your Kool-Aid.  I prefer a pint of Anchor Steam, and that doesn’t make me any less human than you.  Instead of wasting your breath trying to convert people to your world, you should focus on obeying your own principles.  That means no more touching choirboys and stealing money from the collection plate, among other things.

 

1.  New England

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Whether I’m talking about your driving habits, or you undying love for annoying other sports fans who don’t like your teams.  Or even that awful, Awful accent.  ‘Nuff said.